on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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