Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
