I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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