you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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