Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
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