I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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