Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
