I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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