Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
