Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
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