k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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