The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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