i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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