Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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