The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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