Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
