Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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