let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
