he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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