i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
