So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
