Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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