I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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