i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
