At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
