If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
