You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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