Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
