I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
