i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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