Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
