he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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