So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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