Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
