NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
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