Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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