just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
