did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Randomize
