I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
