i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
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