I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
