States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
