ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
