I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
