So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
