Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I woke up under a house in Key West
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
