great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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