I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
