I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
