DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Randomize
