We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
