The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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