i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
MIDGETS
????
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
