Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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