I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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