Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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