I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Randomize
