Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize