who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
