He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
