You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I want to be your penis for a week.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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