I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
