Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
