Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Acid is not a monday night drug
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
