I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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