she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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