Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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