Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
