My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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