and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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